Trusting God during seasons of the unknown was something I anticipated facing as an adult. I thought I might have to trust God with what job I would get, how big my house would be or something of the like. I didn’t realize that trusting God in the midst of the unknown would mean trusting Him to hold me tight when I all I would want to do is run – something much deeper than any material thing.
On September 23, our 9-month-old daughter Cameron was involved in an accident. While at a friend’s ranch house, Cameron was playing on the floor of a living room surrounded by mounted deer. One of the deer mounts fell off the wall and hit her directly on the top left side of her head. The antler shattered part of her skull and went through the dura creating internal bleeding, swelling, and the need for immediate brain surgery. I knew I had two options. Run from God or run to God.
When they first took us to ICU I had to trust the Lord that we were in good medical hands and that He would give me the energy to stay up all night long cradling my daughter signing our favorite songs in an effort to bring her comfort. During her surgery, we could choose to sit in a pool of anxiety thinking of all the things the doctors said “might” happen. But, we choose to sneak away in a time of prayer and praise. Totally giving her over to the Lord during those hours. While we spent days waiting to see how her tiny body would respond to the surgery we sat in a place of peace because we were trusting the Lord.
Now, some of this might sound really “easy” or just like the right thing to say. But it’s the truth. I had a real belief I might lose my daughter through this accident. I had to come to terms with the Lord, trying to comprehend “If you take her from me. I will be okay because YOU are with me.” Obviously, this was processed through immense tears and it makes me cry to even type that. But, when you think that your reality might be shifting you either run away from the Lord or you run into His arms. And, for me, I had to sit in His lap, cry, and be brutally honest.
This has been to date the scariest season of my life. Since the antler hit the top left side of her brain it directly impacted the part of her brain responsible for motor functions on the right side of her body. These motor functions are something that Cameron will have to re-learn through physical therapy and occupational therapy. Because of Cameron’s age, her brain is very likely to recover with good therapy. Likewise, because this happened at such a young age we will not know the extent of the damage for many years as her brain continues to develop. We have seen signs of the Lord’s hand throughout Cameron’s accident, surgery, recovery, and now therapeutic journey. God is working through our little girl’s life. But, we know He is not done with her yet and because of that, we have to continue to say “yes” to trusting the Lord with our precious little one. Often in the Bible, we read that people reflect on the promises God has kept or fulfilled in the past. This serves as a hopeful reminder that the same God to lead the Israelites out of Egypt will also lead us out of this scary season. I try to conceptualize the same parallel with Cameron’s life. The same God that protected her through surgery is the same God that is going to help her learn how to walk. Remembering the good, sweet promises fulfilled makes my heart hopeful for the future. I still have two options: to run from God or run to God. It is not a one-time quick decision. This is a daily, hourly and moment by moment decision I am still making today.